Try to establish a routine and communicate it to the child — this predictability may be reassuring. It works! Marty, I get what you’re saying. At about age 6 or 7, as children develop an understanding about death, another fear can arise. It’s also common for … Read for one mom's experience with hypochondria and death anxiety. Neither should have happened. I’m so glad your son understands. I told him I was sorry that now he has a clue. But, if I’m being honest, I can’t say that. I too lost a Samuel. My living youngest daughter is also very clingy and needy of us and afraid to do many things alone. I know she shouldn’t have to live with her own fear but I don’t know how to teach her to let go of the fear, when I can’t. I had a long conversation with my husband and told him that she was not ready but that I would double my efforts to teach her. I actually used biofeedback when I got pregnant following my stillbirth. An extreme fear of dying or losing loved ones could be a sign of an anxiety disorder. So, even at her young, innocent age, she got the fear as well. A fear of abandonment is a complex phenomenon that can stem from a variety of developmental experiences, including loss or trauma. As with other forms of anxiety, several additional factors may have an influence, including: Without treatment, abandonment issues in both adults and children can make it more challenging for the person to form healthy and secure relationships with others and to live a fulfilling life. I love my travels but I am scared I will be 2500 miles away and get another phone call like I did that day in 2010. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son and your nephew. 5/18/2010–4/26/2013 Coming upon the 1 yr anniversary. We lost our 5th child, Emily , whe Because parents realize the extent of a child's fear of losing a parent, parents sometimes take precautionary steps, such as avoiding both parents' travelling on the same airplane or designating someone to care for a surviving child. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic of fear of losing another child. And, as life sometimes has it, just when we get feeling “okay” again, something happens to knock the wind right out of us. I’m so thankful that you are there for your boyfriend to help him through this pain and to help him find his way through the deep fog of grief — certainly not a path any of us would choose. They may feel confused or anxious about having to attend medical appointments, undergo tests, take medications, or miss school or other activities when a seizure has occurred. She has a happy marriage and two beautiful little girls. What a beautiful thought to know that your Claire and his Ben are now together watching over both of you. I’m holding you close in thought and prayer. Losing a child leaves our hears broken and shattered in so many different ways! Please talk to your daughter about moving. And only six months later, my brother-in-law died after being hit by a drunk driver on the way home from work. Jill, Having delivered a stillborn baby, I can identify with your fears. I’m so scared it could happen again even thought hey could find no causes. It’s easy to say those words, yet so very hard to do! Typically, people do best when they seek help and do so early. Please. For almost a year we let her drive with us. Worry isn’t good for us and it will definitely not be food for you when you get pregnant. Some individuals continue to fear abandonment as they grow older. Until……..it came time to talk about college with my parents. I have 2 children and 2 grandchildren left. And the fear returns…. People tell me to not loose hope but I fear every single day. Sometimes I get so angry that my precious, innocent Anna had to learn something like that at such a young age. I “get it” when you say you’re not sure you’ll worry less….but as parents we do need to keep some of our fears from our living children. My loss is so new but this explains so much of what I’m feeling and dealing with. The fact that I could lose them is paralyzing sometimes. Wow!!! It has only been a year since we lost our son. When my oldest was 18 months old, I clearly remember breaking down in tears for fear I would lose him. I have learned that it Never gets easier, somehow you just learn to live with it. The fear of failure is often hidden behind the reasoning of why you shouldn’t take that step forwa… So, I have the phone number of a neighbor friend of his to check for me. News. My son went away to college. I have a young daughter and like you, I often feel so much fear of losing her. I lost my son and 10 years later my nephew. It’s hard to get back that part of us that died when our child died. He likes to argue and that only makes me worry more. Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming worry that people close to you will leave. I have three older children and while I haven’t specifically feared losing them as well, my fear in general has certainly increased. They may be afraid of dying or of losing control in public. I no longer love life, my existence is in fear and pain.. One of the most common causes of fear is failure. An extreme fear of dying or losing loved ones could be a sign of an anxiety disorder. Mild depression leads to changes in moods and behavior, which might appear normal. This is our beginning……. However, mental health professionals will typically recognize when a person is showing symptoms of anxiety due to feelings of abandonment in childhood or adulthood. What are the causes and triggers? No longer do we trust in the purity and goodness of life like we once did, and that takes away so much joy. They are all adults now, but the worry factor still enters. Melissa, Oh, how my heart breaks when I hear from a newly bereaved parent. Anyone can develop a fear of abandonment. My long time boyfriend has been very supportive through my grief journey and just two days ago the unthinkable happened – he lost his youngest son who was 23. Although the fears are dramatically different from one another, both cause behaviors that alternately pull the partner in and then push him or her away again. My love to you! So many of us refuse to leave our comfort zones because we are afraid ofdoing something wrong, something that could damage our lives forever. A fear of abandonment is a form of anxiety. By sharing, we learn and are encouraged. The timing was perfect. We lost our first son before he could be born, at 36 weeks in October last year. After I got married and began my own family, there was one constant prayer I said daily. Quotes tagged as "loss-of-a-child" Showing 1-30 of 69 “Sadly enough, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are left unsaid and never explained.” ― Jonathan Harnisch, Freak. If you need help dealing with your grief or managing a loss, consult with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional. Fears of abandonment and engulfment—and, ultimately, a fear of loss—is at the heart of a fear of intimacy for many people, and these two fears may often coexist. Driving in the snow is a risk even for experienced drivers. She is so mad that her dad and I are even concerned. Yes, it does get a bit easier and the pain definitely isn’t always this raw, but it takes time……and more time……and even more time. Donna, I “get it” — I really do. I travel for a living and find myself worrying about my own demise. Cindy, Oh, how I can relate to what you’ve said! Why do we do this to ourselves? Some form of fear usually manifests as a result from tragedy, loss or death of a loved one. ... You know the ones — the moms who yank their sons away from any child with a cough, the moms who steer their daughters clear from any kid with a runny nose. Fear is a Normal Reaction. I lost him as a child he is different in so many ways but very sweet. I am 22 and have lost 2 daughters in the past 4 years, i have 1 living son hes 2 yrs old, and i worry everyday and night that something will happen and i will lose him too. Nobody that I know of who has lost a child ever passes that off lightly and says, “Well, if it happens, it’s just one of those things.”. I look for a good nights sleep every night. It also can promote a fear of abandonment. Thank you. These fears are generally rooted in past childhood experiences and triggered by the here-and-now of adult relationships, leading to confusion if a person focuses on examining the relation… It usually starts in childhood but can begin in adulthood as well. I didn’t at all understand then, but I sure did learn some hard life lessons in fear later in my own life! He’s a very independent young man and just doesn’t understand how he worries me so! It changes you from that moment. Coping with the Fear of Loss Use your coping resources. Killing a loved one (i.e., stabbing, shooting, suffocating, or poisoning). I’d love it if you’d share your thoughts on this blog. Not all fear is bad. I think that might give you both a bit of peace of mind. But, we know we can’t. That’s why I feel it’s important to have places such as this. Fear can be particularly intense when a child has died suddenly, tragically, or unexpectedly as in SIDS, a vehicular accident, homicide, or suicide. It’s so hard to know how to shed this fear, when we don’t talk about it! We want to try again, and as much as I want to I just cant get those thoughts out of my head “what if it happens again” I never thought I would be on this journey. “Dear God, please don’t ever take one of my children away. ... You know the ones — the moms who yank their sons away from any child with a cough, the moms who steer their daughters clear from any kid with a runny nose. A therapist can help an individual with abandonment issues learn how to establish healthy boundaries in relationships. My son was shot and killed 2 years ago and I just fear of losing my daughter now. However, early intervention may reduce the likelihood of long-term problems. There is no balance. In children, some degree of worry about caregivers leaving them alone is common. It is definitely so scary to let go — even a little bit. You’re so right — none of this should happen! Stay calm during conversations, even when the person tries to provoke a response — they may be trying to “test’ their theory that everyone rejects them. There were four more shots on the outside of her building. Why? Yes I fear loss I know the unspeakable can happen and it can happen to me. I have to pray ALOT and remind myself that God is in control and hope He sees that another loss would probably kill me. The fear of losing one or both parents is a direct threat to a child’s need for protection. I wish so much that I could say I never, ever worry that one of my living children will be taken away. I so understand how everyone feels about over protection for the children we have here on earth. During therapy, a person can explore their experiences of abandonment, including the root cause of their fears. I’m so very sorry. Having inadequate coping resources pre … My dad seldom smiled and he wore his grief on the outside for a very long time. They may diagnose an anxiety disorder after carrying out a psychological evaluation or comparing the person’s symptoms to the criteria in the​ Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). It’s part of who we are as a parent — our child’s protector. You try to be safe. The first thing was one day I was talking to her on the phone and someone ran a red light and T- Boned her, and when I heard that and she went to hollering Mommy I’ve been hit! My son has not got his life in order. It can be deeply rooted in a traumatic experience you had as a child … In the situation where a child loses his or her parent early on, it can have a lifetime effect of anxiety over the possibility of losing anyone else. Why do we add pain to pain and worry to worry? You have said perfectly what I have been feeling since my son died. This caused quite a row between my husband and myself. Not sure I will worry less about her, but it reminded me to keep some of my fears to myself. A pet owner’s worst fear is losing a beloved companion. He was a donor so we entered that beautiful, horrific process of keeping him alive long enough to find matches and then waiting for him to die in the operating room after they’d removed him from life support. and then our connection went dead, I could only imagine the horror of losing another child. Lynne, I totally get it. I don’t ever want to go through that kind of pain. I try not to worry, but I can’t help it. It often begins in childhood when a child experiences a traumatic loss. It is now twenty-five years since the death of Samuel and I sincerely wish that I could tell you that all of my fear is gone. What Helps When I’m Missing My Child So Much I Want to Die. I’m still like that. She used to say “if Michael grows up” -instead of “when Michael grows up”. Thank God he was alright and was right where he said he would be. My heart hurts just reading this. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. I worry when my son is working at the fire hall and I worry about my daughter because she is diabetic. Children who go through this experience may then begin to fear losing other important people in their lives. I believe with all of my heart that when we share, we dilute the power fear has over us. Because if it could happen once, it could happen again. I know this fear! It happened once, it could happen again. I am going through this right now. I’m finding that the more I bring to surface my fear of losing another child and talk about it, the less power the fear holds over me. Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming worry that people close to you will leave. We lost our 8 month old last December. And, children still die. My oldest child went into a state of horrible depression. Just having a bullet come flying through my bedroom window would be enough to send me over the edge. The missing child is connected to our own “inner child” As the child is associated with our own youth seeing a lost child suggests an opportunity missed. Those who fear harming themselves or others (a.k.a. They can learn to identify negative thought patterns and replace them with healthier and more realistic ones. Have you considered joining a SIDS support group? I’m itchy and over weight. It’s a never ending cycle of fear, distrust, panic, more fear, and on and on it goes. You have no idea how much it breaks my heart to hear of things like you’ve had to endure. © 2004-2020 Healthline Media UK Ltd, Brighton, UK, a Red Ventures Company. Sue, There’s nothing crazy about worrying about losing our adult children. It’s hard to let go of this fear because I don’t want to go on with my life and then have it happen again. I’m too young to go through this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. I wish we could keep our kids by our sides forever!!! In some cases, they may call it separation anxiety disorder, which is a recognized anxiety disorder. However, it is never too late to work on abandonment issues. You’ve been through a lot of pain — please do all you can to take care of yourself. So, how should we live our lives since we know we can’t live in this deep, immobilizing fear all of the time? The cause of abandonment issues is usually trauma of some kind, such as the death or loss of a loved one. Healthy boundaries allow individuals to avoid codependency, “people-pleasing” behaviors, and other actions that hinder the formation of healthy relationships. Trauma — potentially from abuse or poverty — may play a role, as may the level of emotional support that a child receives following a loss. It’s so difficult to “let go of some of the fear” — yet for sanity’s sake, we know we must. I was overprotective to begin with and now it’s just overprotection on steroids so to speak. These may be a short-term solution until the person works through their issues in therapy. She’s right. Fear. You’ve been through trauma, and just knowing it could happen again is enough to send you into a tailspin. READ. Killing or harming the self (i.e., suicide obsessions, fear … I am now expecting another child, 7 weeks pregnant. This past week my sister’s niece from marriage passes away. Because they didn’t want me moving away! That’s all I took, I left my whole life behind. And my grief is being triggered in many ways of course. The fear of losing someone you love is very common – in fact, all of us might feel it at one point or another in our lives. I want to hold on to her and not let her go. As such, a doctor cannot diagnose a person as having abandonment issues. Thank you for sharing. Fear is a sidebar of child loss. Parents, does this fear of losing another child ever go away? My many thoughts and prayers are with you! The following techniques may help those supporting someone with abandonment issues: To support a child with abandonment issues: Individuals who have abandonment issues will need to manage their emotions on an ongoing basis, even after treatment. In fact, I had a full scholarship to further my education making me about the happiest person alive! We call him Sam. My daughter died at age 2 yrs 15 yrs ago in her sleep from allergies. Depending on the age of the child and the type of seizures, children may experience fear and worry. This is my life. The police told her that the guy that done the shooting was mad at his girlfriend and had shot at the wrong apartment. And, when I go to that place in my private thoughts, I begin to shake with fear. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. I was supposed to experience his school years and dance at his wedding. In the situation where a child loses his or her parent early on, it can have a lifetime effect of anxiety over the possibility of losing anyone else. People may also grieve for their past losses during therapy or, in the case of an absent parent or caregiver, work toward reducing the mystery of abandonment. I suffer with all the physical strange things, fatigue & allergies I have never had in my life that cling to me like they own me. Teresa, This is horrible! Last medically reviewed on February 26, 2020. Meg in 1979, Zac in 1983 and then the big surprise Laura 1986. But the fear was still there. I don’t want her out of my sight. We want to hope and trust in life again, yet…….that nagging fear seems to always cast its horrible shadow over us. Obsessive love disorder can be a symptom of an underlying mental health condition or due to previous trauma. Related OCD symptoms include fears about losing control and: Harming a loved one (most often fear of harming a child, spouse, or parent). People with abandonment issues often struggle in relationships, exhibiting symptoms such as codependency, an inability to develop trust, or even the tendency to sabotage relationships. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your little daughter and now the loss of your sister’s niece. So I pray real hard for his driving skills and safety. Life just isn’t fair and the unspeakable, unthinkable does indeed happen. It’s so terribly hard, though! Each of those things could claim their lives more easily then the child I lost. If you explain it that way, maybe your daughter will better understand. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. My mother became depressed and practically immobilized with grief. It can be challenging to help someone with abandonment issues because they often push people away when they feel challenged or vulnerable. Is it possible for your daughter to move? It’s so easy for others to tell us to just relax…it’s all going to be okay. That horribly, paralyzing, underlying fear of losing another child. this fear of losing another child and then a grandchild is so real. I’m overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. Separation anxiety is a normal part of development in infants and very young children. So often they ring true and I could have written them myself. It’s … If I call or text and they don’t answer I begin to panic. Learn more about its symptoms, causes…. In fact, a little fear serves as an insurance policy. It is my prayer that we will use this blog as a place where we’ll constantly be learning and growing together. The primary treatment for abandonment issues is therapy. One of my sons is not good at all about texting or answering his phone and he worries me to death. I just don’t get why she can’t understand. I work come home and wait to do it all over again.. My youngest grandson will never know me the way my older grandsons did. My prayers are with you. Four months is so early on in this difficult journey. Individuals should seek help if they believe that they or a child for whom they care is experiencing abandonment issues. My son is now 26 I worry about something happening to him. It is a life of Fear and Pain and horrible Torment….. I think the only way we control this fear is to take “time outs” from worrying. None of it!!! When I arrived home from work on the day of her birthday she met me at the door holding her drivers license. So I would watch my sisters kids breath when they slept every time I babysat. Yet, I know from experience that this life is full of sorrow and pain. It is so hard to see my boyfriend suffer like this – especially when I know what is ahead for him. Maybe grief doesn’t just feel like fear, maybe it is fear. Now that my youngest child has turned 18 I am left in the empty nest. Fear. Anxiety is a common problem, but what causes it, and how can we manage it? Sharon, I’m thinking your daughter does understand “some”, but in her own way she is forcing you and her dad to let go a bit. It is my very sincere pray that there will be words to help your boyfriend as his aching heart longs for his son. Please, please talk to your doctors and get them to suggest some meditation and relaxation techniques for you. Note:  Since becoming “gram”, I’ve noticed that my worry has been upped by about ten degrees. When our lives are touched by the loss of a child, many things happen to us that change us from the inside out. He strangled in his baby swing at daycare. Sad, but true. in his thirties, he is now 32 at that time I lived in so much fear and yes if fell all over everyone, I finally came to terms and let him and them spread their wings, he now lives on his own and does pretty well but I still hold my breath will I lose him. At about age 6 or 7, as children develop an understanding about death, another fear can arise. I have to remind myself constantly that if I hold on too tight, I could lose her anyway. But, if there was ever to be something good to come of this horrific event-then it is that both my kids are so compassionate and caring. The Recovery Room: News beyond the pandemic — December 11, Managing diabetes after incarceration: A difficult journey, always wanting to please others (being a “people pleaser”), feeling insecure in romantic partnerships and friendships, a need for continual reassurance that others love them and will stay with them, moving quickly from one relationship to another, anxiety or panic when a parent or caregiver drops them at school or day care, fear of being alone, including at bedtime, frequent illness, which often has no apparent physical cause, lashing out at others, either physically or verbally, daydreaming, as they try to make sense of their story and identity. 3 weeks from diagnosis to the day he died. 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